Not that it's a promise. But once you say something or make it known to someone other than yourself...it becomes real. It's out there and you can't take it back because of the world's expectations. And mostly those expectations are fictional anyway. You make yourself believe that the world will be let down if you don't. While actually, nobody ever read your stupid little blog.
My former best friend used to watch stand up comedy shows. And really got me hooked on some cabaret and comedians. (Bless his heart, that nowadays resides in his shlong)
While I was doing my year in audiovisual arts, people kept asking me 'If this doesn't work...what's plan B?'. And I started answering 'I'll become a stand up comedian'. As a joke. But as it turns out, film school didn't pack out and I'm stuck with my not so clever answer.
Tonight, I can't sleep for a change. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do. I can be a photographer. But it dawned to me that I don't have to be just one thing. I can be a million things and try it all and be bad at it too. And as usual the voices in my head ask me 'but what about your depressed self that hardly can drag herself out of bed every morning...isn't that another dream and thought you won't be able to do and in the end feel extra bad?'
I just watched a documentary called 'I am comic'. And it's simple...They all seem to be on anti depressives when they're not on stage.
So I say 'Screw you Xanax' and when I get over my panic attack...I'm writing jokes.
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