Joy comes from seeing a friend smile because they're happy. Or from a bunch of sunbeams that are bursting through a raincloud. I rejoice for a second when my birds greet me in the morning with cheerful songs and when their eye meets mine to make me understand 'we don't judge'.
I feel less blue when I'm wrapped inside my soft, all torn up, blanket while Louis Prima sings about his meatballs. Or when I secretly can retreat somewhere all by myself and watch a bunch of Supernatural episodes.
These moments aren't that rare if you start to notice and appreciate.
And I've always loved those moments. From the morning dew on a frozen leaf to that beautiful guy that smiles when he sees me coming towards him. Those were the only moments I had to hold on to.
Now they make me sad. I'm not a shrink so I don't know the reason why. But I feel sad because now all those beautiful things, even those, make me sad. And where I used to have this little sparkle of hope or joy, I have dark thoughts and a bleeding heart.
Not that I had a lot to begin with. But the little string I was hanging on to is cutting my flesh.
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