Defuse

Every day I get bits and pieces of inspiration that need to be expressed. And every day I do this in a different way. They start with little doodles and defuse words scrambled on recycled paper. And with recycled I mean the crap I get in the mail that I didn't ask for and feel guilty about when I just throw it in the paper bin. So I have a humongous stack of true-to-the-bone recycled paper that are meant to do justice to those broken trees.

ANYWAY

Sometimes I have lyrics in my head. They're not supposed to rhyme or come together but in a natural way they often do. They stay unread and from time to time I chuck them because I can't stand to read them again. They remind me of me.

Sometimes I go out and get plain shirts, fabrics,... and start cutting and sowing and what not. Clothes are a statement to so many and that's what they are. They never get worn by anyone.

Sometimes I take a picture. One day I'll notice a guy picking his nose because he thinks he's alone on a train platform. Or a girl is sitting in the park and her buttcrack is the size of an elephant trunk. I take pictures but they are never seen by anyone but me. Delete.

I get mad about stuff and write all the wrong jokes. I write lyrics that don't make sense. I write badly written poetry that might even be too private for that recycled paper. I notice things and try to capture in. But it's dead. The moment is dead. And when I capture that dead moment I realize...I don't really want to hang on to that moment. I don't even LIKE people. I dislike people, a lot! Everytime I'm somewhere, all set up, to take pictures of people I don't like for people I don't like...I realize that I can't like myself that way.

It's time for a change. And I hope I'm taking the right path for a change.

Please, I normally don't ask friends to do something for me like this. But please, if you EVER see me in a any kind of store or market..folding slacks or putting toilet paper on the top shelf...Beat me. Beat me hard. Just slap some sense into me. Because that is the LAST place that I want to end up. And it seems like it's going to be a hard time avoiding it...again.

And if there's a God. Please, don't make me go back there. Or I'll kill myself. For real this time.

This is my last try.

Ganesh

Today I stumbled upon this beautiful picture from a religion type book. It illustrated Ganesh in full colour and it said that she is the remover of obstacles.
Don't know a lot about that whole shebang. An indian classmate once tried to explain everything during a couple of gym classes in which I never participated. And she only confused me more. With all those unfamilliar names and connections. But what I do know is that it's about finding balance. Not too much of one thing. And I strongly feel that it's that type of religion where clues and signs that may come on your path have a reason.

I started connecting the dots.

A week ago I was travelling on a train with a very old friend of mine. He was drawing one of his brain spinned alterations on a commercial flyer. And while he so casualy pressed his glasses back towards his eyes while they slowly looked at me, he said: 'Meditation is not something you do to clear your mind and think about nothing. You have it all wrong. It's just the oppossite. You have to meditate on what is most important.'
He may be somewhat younger than me but he is deffinately one of the most clever people I know. And there's a reason why after all these years I started seeing him again. A reason why he told me that, right then and there.

And further..I watch a movie that's all about that kind of stuff. But still, it's fiction. Is any of it real? So I move on. To the library. One of my favorit places on earth. All this knowledge in one place where hiding is allowed. Where you don't have to speak and everyone's the same. A rare place where giving is not necessary but getting is a lovely relief from the world that lies outside.
But I'm drifting away from the point that I want to make...I walk in the library, hiding from the outside and from reality, a book sticks out of a section I normaly want to avoid 'religion'. And the first picture it shows me is the remover of all obstacles, Ganesh. My first thought of desperation was 'Can you remove my obstacles, Ganesh?'
My mind flies back to that movie where they mention that all desperates pray to God and ask for a sign. And how rediculous that is. Now, I feel rediculous. More than I'm used to.
And then and there I came full circle. On that matter anyway.

It is not about what Ganesh can do for me.
It's about seeing that picture and seeing Ganesh...and reminding myself that it can be done. With all those vibrant colours and Ganesh treating herself on golden balls (this may sound strange).

She, in my right mind, popped out of that picture...laughed all giddy, started dancing and skipping. She stopped in front of me, eye to eye, in my personal space. Grabbed me close, wrapping all four of her arms around my body to make me feel safe and whispered in my ear 'If I can, you can'. She rapidly let go, jumped some feet back and presented her sweet delights 'Golden ball?' With a wink she vanished and all there was left was a stuffy old book.

My Mind Thinks In Pictures.

The Last Drop

My bucket has been full for years and years. And sometimes theres a kind person or beautiful painting that helps you empty it. But that hasn't happened in a LONG LONG TIME.

No, let me put this in other words. It has happened but it stopped working.

Everywhere I go I get shit, I bang my head against the walls of every building I pass by. And I'm not even passing them by because I want to. I have to.

I used to have a safe haven, I had it for one year. They took it away and replaced it for something less safe. Something that has made me feel very unsafe and it seems to do more damage than good.

I'm contemplating on not going to this building anymore. To stop banging my head against the walls of this concrete madness. But the thing that makes me sad is that I know. I KNOW another wall is waiting for me. And it's not a nice one. It might just be a bigger one to climb or probably an even darker one.

Point is, I'll always have walls around me no matter what. In every way. And if I can't feel angry or sad about it, I'm starting to feel nothing at all. I've forgotten what it feels like to have a good day where theres no pain or worries and that I could sleep or eat and not drink or fill my head and body with wrong doers. Or maybe I never knew it at all.

This is not a cry for attention or help. I've managed and I'll manage again. I don't want your love and I don't need your respect. I'm over it. I'm over you. I'm over people and smiles and people telling you what to do or who to be.

Ginsberg said that in order to express yourself you can only do it right if you do it true. And although I haven't masked a lot to the world. I am masking the things that matter. Maybe it's time to keep my walls and drop my mask. And be true.

If you don't want to know. Don't ask. If you don't like my answers...ignore me. It hasn't stopped you in the past. Why would it stop you now.

If there is a God, God. Then this is for you:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change.

The courage and strength to change the things that I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Static

Can't believe this is my life.

Hallows Eve

Thank You for the wonderful Halloween Party weekend, Ladies!