Oh Lord, What Is I Gon' Do

I need to put this in writing. So that if I try to NOT do it, I'll still feel obligated in a way.

Not that it's a promise. But once you say something or make it known to someone other than yourself...it becomes real. It's out there and you can't take it back because of the world's expectations. And mostly those expectations are fictional anyway. You make yourself believe that the world will be let down if you don't. While actually, nobody ever read your stupid little blog.

My former best friend used to watch stand up comedy shows. And really got me hooked on some cabaret and comedians. (Bless his heart, that nowadays resides in his shlong)

While I was doing my year in audiovisual arts, people kept asking me 'If this doesn't work...what's plan B?'. And I started answering 'I'll become a stand up comedian'. As a joke. But as it turns out, film school didn't pack out and I'm stuck with my not so clever answer.

Tonight, I can't sleep for a change. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do. I can be a photographer. But it dawned to me that I don't have to be just one thing. I can be a million things and try it all and be bad at it too. And as usual the voices in my head ask me 'but what about your depressed self that hardly can drag herself out of bed every morning...isn't that another dream and thought you won't be able to do and in the end feel extra bad?'

I just watched a documentary called 'I am comic'. And it's simple...They all seem to be on anti depressives when they're not on stage.

So I say 'Screw you Xanax' and when I get over my panic attack...I'm writing jokes.

I Care.

Someone else’s boy, you’ve had it so hard,
Will you grow up to be you,
Or a sum of your parts just hanging in the air?
Someone else’s boy, tell me your convoluted stories through half-rotten mouth,
I will decipher them, to tell the world of your heart,
How beautiful things can come from the dark,
Oh, boy

Someone else’s boy, I have seen your face,
Light in the stars, it was then I knew,
That your heart was pure, that it had not yet been destroyed,
Oh, no

Someone else’s boy, I have hope for you,
That you will keep your love for the world,
Even though it beats you down, every day,
For the rest of your stay

If you could sweep up the pieces and watch them swirl,
You could even find love in the arms of someone else’s girl

Someone else’s boy, though your life has been short,
You’ve seen more pain than most of us know,
If you make it through this, vacuum up the mess,
Smile to yourself, lying on your nice new clean floor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N7KWP0GDiQ&feature=related

As if it were the last time.

Yesterday me and a friend went to a thing called Submob.

2 artists from England gave us a location (Graslei, Gent) and an mp3 that we had to start playing at exactly 8PM. When we got there the place was crawling with people in pairs who had on some form of mp3 headphone. We started getting nervous because the mood was so exciting and strange. Like we were people who all had a role to play in the documentary of life and still didn't know what was going to happen. All was in remembrance of their friend who passed away.

We had to walk, sit, look, take in the moment, imagine things, run to each other and leave each other, think about certain things and laugh. In the end the whole place was loaded with dancing couples. Man vs man, woman vs woman, friends and lovers. It was a beautiful sight. Seeing people run towards one and another. And knowing your friend will soon be running towards you. The positive answers that are written in people's faces when they were just asked if they trust their friend.

I needed this. To really look at things and take the time for a moment that could actually be the last one. And for once, in that moment, finding that it's a beautiful moment. In staid of the usual not caring anymore. In staid of the always being on your own.

I invite you for a meal but my meatballs you try to steal.

Joy comes from seeing a friend smile because they're happy. Or from a bunch of sunbeams that are bursting through a raincloud. I rejoice for a second when my birds greet me in the morning with cheerful songs and when their eye meets mine to make me understand 'we don't judge'.

I feel less blue when I'm wrapped inside my soft, all torn up, blanket while Louis Prima sings about his meatballs. Or when I secretly can retreat somewhere all by myself and watch a bunch of Supernatural episodes.

These moments aren't that rare if you start to notice and appreciate.

And I've always loved those moments. From the morning dew on a frozen leaf to that beautiful guy that smiles when he sees me coming towards him. Those were the only moments I had to hold on to.

Now they make me sad. I'm not a shrink so I don't know the reason why. But I feel sad because now all those beautiful things, even those, make me sad. And where I used to have this little sparkle of hope or joy, I have dark thoughts and a bleeding heart.

Not that I had a lot to begin with. But the little string I was hanging on to is cutting my flesh.

Salvation Keeps Pulling Me

I feel the urge to write something. Something meaningful.

But where to start.

A million things are going through me, swirling and whirling. More than usual.

Where to begin and what will the end look like. Is there an end to this swirling and whirling.

So I put on the last CD by Maylene & The Sons Of Disaster and rock out.

Rock out may be my 'space out'. Maybe even 'block it out'. As usual.

It's all very much thought over. Let's block it out and let Henry Rollins take the wheel.

I can not handle the swirling and whirling. It's a ticking time bomb.

And it's been years since I last heard that tick tick tick so bad.

The outcome turned out to be one big disaster.

And I'm pleading...this time, let it be in my favor.

There are a few things I want, that I need, and I've got none of it.

So let's move forward like I always do. Like a zombie, going through the motions of life.

Not knowing. Wanting but not having. With desire and passion, that keeps haunting.

Not finding the right words so to not speak at all. Frozen by fear.

Some People

Waauw... helemaal geen reden om over te zagen. Maar oh my lord zijn sommige mensen...

What's the word...kan het wel gezegd worden met 1 woord...

Pappa koopt mijn droom en heeft daarom geen geld meer voor die designer sjakos die zo goed bij mijn lamsleder haute kotsuur jasje past. Maar hey, ik heb het perfect plan. Die film over Banksy gaan zien, dan denk ik efkes niet meer aan mevrouw Chanel en haar overroepen crap die door een ander gemaakt word. Super, dan koop ik de DVD zodra die uit is. Want Banksy is zoooo cool.

Spetterpoep krijg ik er van. Spetterpoep op uw sjakos.

Tot zover mijn vrolijk en positief blog voornemen :)

Maar goede voornemens zijn voor sissys anyway.

Babysteps

Love watching that show 'Supernatural' with my mom. It might sound trivial to many ears but I like to stop and take a moment. We laugh our asses off. It's a decent show if you're into supernatural stuff, like I am. And if you like to laugh, like I do. I don't watch it for the show. I watch it to hang out with my mom, one of those quality time moments to look forward to.

Also, it's been a while since I last enjoyed doing something. Was always so shore about what I was doing and where it was headed. And all of that has changed recently. So it felt odd and everything was unfamiliar. I'm a rookie in everything and didn't feel in place. Like I was the only Treckie in a Star Wars convention (don't worry, I'm still on the Wars' side). And even with not feeling at home between 98% of those people.. I finally got something right on the camera today. So that should count for something. I'm not a total fuck up. And it might be a good idea to tell myself that every morning, 10 times in front of the mirror...Or maybe I should practice the looking in the mirror thing first.

I also found a club in the city (this sounds very ravy, but isnt actually) that has a shooting range. And not just with bow and arrow. But with pistols! It's one of those things that are on my bucket list. Learn how to handle a gun and preferably look badass doing it. So I'm doing this. Screw airobics and sit ups, I'm going for some steel. I have never in my life seen a woman defend herself from a rape attack with a sit up. So don't talk to me about sports.

Also a few short highlights:

* Conan O Brien will be on the air by next week and is signed on Jack White's third man records label. In your face Leno, Coco is back. And this time one of the greatest musicians ever is backing him up.

* I planned a long awaited field trip to my favorite cemetery tomorrow. It's real cool and abandoned and must admit that I love hanging out at cemeteries. You're never alone but still at peace. And there's some abandoned houses next to it that I can't wait to discover.

* Jelly Shots. First attempt on making those. And they're going to be vegan-proof. Green ones. They're going to be a test drive for my upcoming Zombie themed Halloween party. Cuz' Zombies are awesome (I just typed incorrectly and got zombieR, that's not such a bad idea!).

Question:

Zombies or dinosaurs?

Ponder on it...

Goodnight.

Today Is A New Day

I have a new haircut. A different blogger language. And have erased most of my posts.

Today is a new day and I will do my best to see things on the bright side. Probably one of my biggest challenges. But I will try, hard.

Every day I should be thankful or grateful for one thing, at least. That western attitude and whining always makes me sick to the stomach. Especially when I'm guilty of it. So no more. Hit me with a book if you see or hear me at it again. There's just no way on earth that I'll let myself go down the same path as a certain person once did. That would be the worst. So no more.

Today I realized, while I was knock out in bed with a terrible headache, that I have such good friends. I don't see or hear them every day. It may be even weeks or months sometimes. But I love them and the fact that they know that and know that I would do anything for them. It's priceless. They are my family. Except for my mother (and sometimes even my father, present day) I wouldn't have family if it weren't for my friends.

I don't care where we meet or what we do. I just love going through life with them by my side. And them telling me they need me on their side, or the fact that I can be there for them whenever they need it. It's really all I ever wanted and...Tash...wake up and smell the roses, ya got 'it.

You are beautiful people and probably a bit too modest too. For doubting or thinking that this blog post isn't about you. Because it is about you. And 'thanks' is all I can come up with right now. Since words aren't my strongest suite. But you know what I mean.